ShamPow!

Here's a story that really took me by surprise. World renowned pitchman Vince Shlomi, of ShamWow fame, was arrested for assaulting a prostitute. Apparently, Vince found out the hard way that Sasha Harris, the lovely lady of the night he picked up, doesn't like to be kissed. Soon after their game of tonsil hockey got under way Harris bit Shlomi's tongue and wouldn't let go. Vince had no other choice than to pry his most valuable asset free by punching Harris several times. * Note to Vince - it's probably not the greatest idea to be kissing the village bicycle on the mouth, for obvious reasons. * Harris is now considering pressing charges.

This has me wondering if I can press charges against Vince because I'm feeling like a victim of fraud. You see, I actually bought the ShamWow... only to find that it is really a glorified paper towel. I should have known to stay away from any product that has the word "sham" in it.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've been taken by one of these late night temptations. Dr. Kazu Watanabe had me believing the Sobakawa Pillow was the answer to my dreams. I thought I was buying a pillow stuffed with buckwheat hulls, not marbles. Now 18 years later I still have a stiff neck. But that didn't compare to the pain in the ass trying to return this potato sack for a full refund.

This brings me back to Vince. I'm really hoping the ShamWow can clean up his latest mess.

A win-win, or so it seemed...

Not only do they make great cars but they also make great neighbors. I feel like this could be a storyline from the German "Days of our Lives".

Paid to Do It, But Fails to Make His Friend's Wife Pregnant After 72 Attempts
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.
It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So, Soupolos, after calming his wife's protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

My favorite part of this is when Mr. Maus tells his wife that "I don't like this anymore than you. I'm simply doing if for the money. Try and understand." This poor guy had to sleep with a former beauty queen and collected $2,500 for his efforts. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice.

G.A.D.D...

Guy Against Dunkin Donuts
Back in November I gave up coffee, something I've been drinking every day for the past 16 years. I've tried to stop quite a few times, but so far this is the longest I've gone without it. I must say, it hasn't been easy. I miss it's cleansing properties... I miss crashing when the caffeine wears off... I miss those jitters when I drank too much... I miss that terrible death breath after the first cup of the morning... I could go on and on. I've actually had dreams about drinking it. I get these ghost smells where my nose thinks it smells a fresh pot brewing, even when I'm out shoveling snow. I still have two bags of Starbucks (an establishment I despise) mud in my refrigerator I can't bring myself to throw out. I sometimes hold the bags close to my chest and stroke them as I gently weep.

This has all made me realize that coffee is the most addictive substance on earth, even beating the notoriously addictive crack (which for the record I have never done). Dunkin Donuts is the new Pablo Escobar. They serve 2.7 million customers a day worldwide. Caffeine is the most widely used psychoactive substance in the world, and you'll never guess what the primary source is... the coffee bean.

Beware of the bean my friends... beware of the bean...

Voice of a Generation

On the 18th anniversary of it's original release Pearl Jam has reissued one of the greatest alternative (which is really just rock~n~roll) albums of all time... Ten. I feel it's only fitting to pay tribute to this landmark album that helped define my generation. After all these years Pearl Jam still remain relevant and continue to shape rock music.

For me, this is the song that started it all, and to this day I still remember the first time I saw the video on MTV (yes, MTV once played actual videos)...

Pearl Jam - New Music - More Music Videos

No Pearl Jam post would be complete without a quote from singer Eddie Vedder. When asked "Well, what's it like to be a rock star?" Eddie had this to say...

"You know, rock stardom ... I have a hard time discussing that because I don't really accept it. It's not really that tangible. What's really bizarre is how it's used as a thing-you know, "He's the rock star of politics," "He's the rock star of quarterbacks"-like it's the greatest thing in the world. And it's not bad, but it's just different. I don't understand it. Cause I'm going, "Well-am I that?" I want to be the plumber of rock stars."

It's all in the nose...

It's no secret man's best friend takes great pleasure in sniffing about the crotch and caboose regions. We've all witnessed one of these invasions... and some of us have even been victimized. Why does it always seem like Bosco will lock in on one particular person and terrorize them relentlessly?

Just what is the attraction though? After doing exhaustive researched (I googled "dogs sniffing butts") I think I've found the answer. According to Dogster.com, smelling the other dogs' private area tells the dog a lot about the dog he is meeting, such as their gender and their sexual status.

I would assume it's the same rationale (if dogs even have the ability to rationalize, which I highly doubt... am I now heading down a very strange path?!) when they partake in this type of exploration with people. So am I to assume that the person Bosco ends up "hounding" (I just embarrassed myself) the whole night is the person that will have him panting after hours?

But the most interesting thing I found from my google search was this gem...

The Toolbox - meet "Mystery"

This is where we talk about people who are complete "tools". No one defines this better than the man who calls himself "Mystery".

This cat fashions himself a pickup artist (PUA for short) and somehow landed a show on VH1 teaching other losers how to pick up ladies.

Observe some lessons from the "Mystery Method" seminars...





The real "mystery" is how this tool gets any chicks! The only thing he should be picking up trash. This guy is a B.S.A... no explanation needed.

Make Me Angry

So I found this website called Make Me Babies that lets you upload pictures of two people to see what their baby will look like. So I thought I'd do this with my cat Squeaky and dog Daisy. I was to name it Squaisy.

Umm... what the hell is this...

Do either of them have curly hair???

Killer Willard...

Meet the toughest s.o.b. on the planet. Killer Willard kicks ass first, takes names later... if at all. I've watched this clip dozens of times and it just seems to get funnier each time.

Diggin and Drivin...

So as I was driving home from work today enjoying the nice weather and some music, I happened to look over at the car next to me. What I found was a dude going to town on one of his nostrils. This guy was working the inured of his honker like an olympian going for the gold. My nose started to hurt watching this. But the thing that really got me was his buddy in the passengers seat yapping away like there was nothin doin.

Do people not realize glass is transparent? At least tint those windows if this is going to be a frequent activity. Or be a true friend and don't let you buddy pick and drive.

Stewart vs Cramer

On a serious note... this is a rather long clip, but worth watching. The battle between John Stewart and Jim Cramer. You'd think that after having feuded for a week leading up to this interview Cramer would be a bit more prepared. Instead he gets his ass handed to him... justifiably. A lot of things led to the financial meltdown in this country. They discuss short selling in this interview and how the market can be manipulated. Even worse is the practice of naked short selling .

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Jock Strap... Or lack of one

Meet former NFL running back Travis Henry. Poor Travis won't be playing this season because he's currently under house arrest for a a pending cocaine trafficking charge. One may ask why a man who signed a 5 year $25M contract that guaranteed him at least $12M back in 2007, was peddling coke. Well, when you have 9 children (ranging in ages from 3 to 11) from 9 different women and owe $170,000 annually in child support, I guess a second job is not a bad idea.

According to Travis, only one of his children was actually planned. The other eight sneaky ladies (and I use that term loosely) somehow managed to trick Travis, which I'm sure is no small feat.

“I did use protection at first,” Henry said. “Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!

“My counselor asks me, ‘How can you do the same thing over and over?’ ” Shockingly, Travis didn't have any answers to that one... are we surprised??

But through it all, Horny Henry has been able to find that silver lining...“Knock on wood, or something, I’m blessed not to have AIDS. That never crossed my mind.”... something tells me not many things do cross his mind.

ESPN is now reporting that Travis has recently become the father of two twin daughters, bringing the grand total to 11 kids with 10 different women.

Note to Travis... leave your jock strap on at ALL times.

Something for the fellas

By now I think most people are familiar with Apple Bottom Jeans. These seem to be a favorite with the ladies who have a little extra juice in the caboose. While I applaud the attention to these ladies stuffin more in the muffin, it got me to thinking. Why not something for the fellas who may need a little extra room to roam?

I give you "Banana Bottoms". A dungaree for the man who's "larger than life"! The truth of the matter is not all men are created equal. I think there's an untapped market out there for a jean that caters to the gentlemen who pack a bit more punch. I'm talking about the clydesdales that walk among us.