Squirrel Nuts

Supa Fly

2009-08-04T20:44:00.000-04:00

who the hell is this kid's mother? i have never seen such a big PIMP in such a small package. seriously, this fella clearly isn't watching the Disney Channel after school. the moves are undeniable... as MC Hammer would say... you can't touch this. did he really break out the robot at the 40 second mark?

it's only rock n roll

2009-07-25T00:24:00.014-04:00

i got to enjoy the sweet sounds of Green Day the other night at the TD Banknorth Garden. one thing was evident... the boys still know how to rock out with your (insert another name for rooster) out!!!

the first time i saw Green Day was back in 1995 (during my freshman year of higher learning) when this album was huge. not only was the show amazing, so was the preshow partying i participated in... and i must admit i probably did some things i shouldn't have that night. but now i'm an old geezer and the craziest thing i did this time around was read the driving directions incorrectly.. resulting in a quick detour to Logan Airport... those Air Canada pilots really know how to stick a landing.

anyways, i was hoping the boys would play Geek Stink Breath, but they didn't. so why not share the video... which features a friend of the band having a tooth pulled...

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

they did play one of my absolute favorites..

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse

Jesus Of Suburbia

You're a Vegetable...

2009-07-19T16:28:00.004-04:00

I only have 2 things to say about Michael Jackson

1) I really want to believe he was innocent... but a part of me can't commit.
2) The following is my favorite song by the gloved one, mostly because of the funky ass lyrics he drops at the 2:08 mark.

a must read

2009-07-16T22:53:00.001-04:00

"They" say great work moves people. The following article moved me from calm to pissed off in about 10 seconds- http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/29127316/the_great_american_bubble_machine
Matt Taibbi comes out swinging at Goldman Sachs. It would be naive to think that Goldman is the only one dealing like this, but they are the biggest and most influential of the bunch. So I have no problem with Taibbi going right after the "Sacks".

I'm all for free enterprise and turning big profits as long as it's done in an ethical manner. What these asses did to cover themselves in the mortgage mess was the equivalent of a boxer with cracked ribs putting money on his opponent before stepping in the ring.

I used to work with a fella named Paul Heinsohn, the son of legendary Boston Celtic Tommy Heinsohn. Paul had his merit review and I was about to have mine. So I asked him how the raises were. He said "Mike, bend over... grab your ankles... and get ready for the big one." If Goldman Sachs is looking for a new slogan that might be a good place to start...

on a serious note...

2009-07-07T19:52:00.006-04:00

I must admit, I paused this clip to walk away and collect myself.

You're Gonna Love What?

2009-07-01T22:25:00.001-04:00

The man with the golden tongue has returned. World's greatest pitchman Vince Schlomi is back with a hot new product. I'm convinced this guy could sell bacon to a pig. Behold his lastest and greatest product. Please pay very close attention to the shockingly bold statement he makes at the 0:37 mark.

Did he say what I think he said? Oh yes he did! "You're gonna love my nuts!" Um, Vince if I remember correctly that may not always be the case.

It's only fitting we pay tribute to Vince and his love cashews...

Say Cheese

2009-06-26T21:30:00.003-04:00

Who doesn't enjoy looking at pictures, especially those of the awkward kind? Well, there's a website that has exactly what you're looking for.
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

Here's a little sample of what you'll find... Let's just say the guy in this picture is "spot on".

Crash

2009-06-25T20:23:00.015-04:00

Let's be honest... wipeouts are funny! This tumble by Frenchman Michael Llodra at Wimbledon is no exception. He plows into the umpire chair, a trash can, and ball girl all in one shot. This poor girl gets pummeled...

A few games later Llodra had to stop playing because of an abdominal injury. His opponent, Tommy Haas, took a few minutes to rally with one of the other ball girls... which I think is a cool gesture.

Real man of Genius

2009-06-22T23:15:00.003-04:00

I wanted to expand for a second on a previous post. Better yet, let's just hear it straight from the man himself...

I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but oddly it kind of makes sense.

Same classic Buseyisms:

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
TEAM = Together, Everyone Achieves More
DOUBT = Debating on Understanding Bewildering Thoughts
SOBER = Son Of a Bitch! Everything's Real
ROMANCE = Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy

The Jukebox

2009-06-19T20:26:00.007-04:00

Here's a band that I don't really know what to make of. For starters, the band name is horrible. They've had a bunch of hits... some I liked and some I didn't. I've had this one stuck in my head for the last 3 days...

Won't Go Home Without You
Maroon 5

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

Nice bonus version with Sara Evans:

I'm thinking Sara Evans and Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine may have made some music together off stage as well.

A True Visionary

2009-06-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

Meet the next great entrepreneur... Toby Jones. I'm not just a fan because he shares the same name as my first cat... Tobias. This big cat is a marketing genius. Just watch a couple commercial spots for his first business...

But like every great businessman, Toby understands the importance of pursuing new ventures.

When opportunity knocks Toby Jones answers.

Good... Bad... It's all the same...

2009-06-13T15:27:00.005-04:00

Can something be completely awful and awesome at the same time? Oh yes it can... and I found what it is... the movie Point Break. I was watching this movie the other day and realized just how terrible it was. But I couldn't stop watching.

The awful:

Keanu Reeves is nothing short of terrible.

The awesome!

Gary Busey is magic. *** More on this later ***

I leave you with these words of wisedom... also know as a Buseyism:

"Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives."
"When you get lost in imaginatory vagueness, your foresight will become a nimble vagrant."
"Your imagination is the hood ornament on the car of creativity."
"Nothing changes like changes, because nothing changes but the changes."
"Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling."

Amazing

2009-06-09T22:57:00.005-04:00

You just have to watch...

Alternative Medicine

2009-06-08T22:53:00.012-04:00

Now here's a doctor who takes a slightly different approach to health and nutrition... one worth looking at more closely. Hard to argue with any of these points. Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat,your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Man Magnet

2009-06-06T21:54:00.004-04:00

I must confess... someone has a crush... a man crush... and it's me. This man is everything I'm not. He's tall, dark, handsome, and millionaire. About the only thing we share in common is being left-handed. Most readers (all three of you) will probably have no idea who he is. As a huge fan of the sport played by this finely tuned athlete, I've developed an unhealthy admiration for this cat. Folks, meet Spanish tennis star Fernando Verdasco...

Sadly, I've even fashioned my hair into a faux hawk... thankfully this stayed within the confines of my own home. I looked ridiculous.

Now I must run off to do some guy things so I can right the ship again. This post has me feeling awkward.

Been a While

2009-06-02T21:50:00.006-04:00

After an extended hiatus I'm back... I'm back like a butt crack (being back like cooked crack was already taken). So what have I been doing all this time, you ask? Well, apparently I was living under a rock for the past few years because I just discovered the Deadliest Catch. I've developed an unhealthy obsession with this program actually. One of the many things I've learned watching this show is you have to be out of your mind to head out crab fishing on the Bering Sea. These fishermen give new meaning to being a crazy son of a bitch.

My favorite boat... The Northwestern, owned by captain Sig Hansen... who may or may not have the balls of an angry bull. Anyone named Sig is man amonst men. Now I understand these guys make big time money during the crab fishing season. But, you could not pay me enough money to even walk on the deck during a ferocious storm on the Bering, let alone stand by the side of the boat hauling in fishing pots. I wouldn't be catching pots of crabs... but more like a case of the craps... if you know what I mean.

I highly recommend this program for your viewing pleasure.

In the basket please...

2009-04-29T22:57:00.007-04:00

I don't know about you, but I find this clip very creepy. I almost feel a tab bit dirty watching this. Right around the 1:31 mark the creepiness level rises substantially.

On the bright side, Buffalo Bill's patience is admirable. You can tell he's quite the dog lover...prrrincess...

Safe to say I see no signs of Stockholm Syndrome in this woman.

Jivin with Jeff...

2009-04-22T20:18:00.005-04:00

Our first installment... and this is a doosie! Jeff took a nice vacation to Texas and gives us all a swift boot in the ass...

Sent: Fri 4/17/2009 4:49 AM

Subject: Fah-Q

I'm in Texas right now and all I can say is you have ten seconds to tell me why you don't like clowns or I'm gonna kill you're whole f*%$in family...that's from Devils Rejects, watch it! I missed the tea bag parties but Mike I hope you got tea bagged, and Jim too. All I can say is this country better not go socialist. The more money the govt takes, the thinner your *!@# gets. I love America and all the fat bottomed girls and skinny ones too. So go paint a white picked fence or eat a hot dog or cheer for the Dallas Cowboys or the NE Patriots and thank George Washington for this f*%$ing awsome country. God bless America and Lynrnd Skynrd and the 2nd amendment. Peace out and always be true to the red white and blue. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Live from Dallas, TX. More tomorrow tonight.
Jeff
PS Pirates can go f*%$ themselves.
PSS. Sorry about the language.

He's here!!!

2009-04-22T20:10:00.011-04:00

World renowned bachelor and great friend of mine, Jeff C., has finally checked in. I have known this renaissance man for over ten years, and even lived with him and Jim W. (J-Wrub) during our years of higher learning. ***More on that later***. Unfortunately, Jeff now resides in West Palm Beach, FL. However, that doesn't stop him from sending emails and leaving riveting voicemails... like the 2:30 a.m. message he left me from his balcony during the middle of a hurricane. I think it's only fitting I share some of these emails in a segment I'd like to call "Jivin with Jeff".

Fabia-lous...

2009-04-17T15:32:00.008-04:00

Oh boy... from the country that first brought us the Beatles. Now this...

There's a whole lotta shakin goin on!!

This woman could feed a village, and I'm thinking she just may have. One thing is clear though, Fabia still brings a strong game to the dance floor. Just check out the split.

I think we found a winner.

Octo...my...

2009-04-16T23:19:00.006-04:00

There's been a lot discussion about the Octomom and her ability... or lack of... to care for all those babies. But for me, the real concern here is not her parenting skills... it's those enormous lips. Let's face it (pun intended) her mouth bares a striking resemblence to an inner tube. I'm worried that if one of those pops we have a category 4 hurricane on our hands. If both blow out we're looking at a natural disaster of epic proportions.

I firmly believe she could kiss all 8 babies at the same time. From the looks of it those lips can cover a whole lot of ground.

Hard to Ignore

2009-04-14T23:58:00.001-04:00

While watching TV the other day I happened upon this commercial for a great product that's designed to move the needle... so to speak.

For whatever reason this reminded me of the receptionist "Lorraine" at my last job. One day Lorraine observed that a fellow co-worker "John" (who may or may not have been using this product) was a bit more "excited" than usual. So every day when Lorraine was perched behind that front desk I deemed her on "crotch watch"... something she seemed to excel at. Yes, Lorraine sure had a knack for spotting a pocket rocket.

It should also be noted that Lorraine, who I'm guessing was in her 60's, puts on a full face of makeup at night before hopping in the sack with her husband for a game of "tingle tangle". This I know because she said so!

*** Disclaimer: I'm clearly trying to redirect you to a previous post that was my attempt to solicit some reader feedback***

Mmm, I Reckon...

2009-04-13T23:36:00.009-04:00

This is probably not the best way to endear yourself to an audience. Billy Bob gets a little ornery during a radio interview while promoting his band, the Boxmasters. It seems Hill Billy was caught off guard when the DJ mentioned his "other career" as an award winning actor. Um Billy, would anyone care about your band if it wasn't for the acting? This video is long, but worth the time. This band must be a blast to see live with all their energy. Great vibe fellas, great vibe...

The Jock Strap: Oh Boyd

2009-04-05T23:55:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another installment of the jock strap, where we feature athletes who are a little less jock and lot more strap. Meet former South Carolina football player Cory Boyd. In front of a national television audience Cory decided that would be a great time to declare that he's "back, back like cooked crack!"

I'm guessing Cory did not graduate with at least a 3.0 G.P.A. I have not confirmed this, but I'm thinking he probably didn't graduate at all. Cory did go on to play in the NFL in 2008, but was not drafted coming out of college... I wonder if character concerns played a part in that?

Ironically, he was teammates last year with another fellow strap. That's right, he and Travis "Horny" Henry (of 11 children with 10 different women fame) were both running backs for the Denver Broncos last year. I can only imagine the conversations these two had during practice. It should come as no surprise that the Broncos cut both Crack & Horny this offseason.

I am no sports agent but if Cory is signed by another team for the 2009 season he may want to declare something like... "I'm back, I'm back like a healthy snack. "

The Jukebox

2009-04-03T23:29:00.008-04:00

If your a rock band and have a violinist in the group than you have an instant fan... me. This is an amazing song by The Airborne Toxic Event. I highly recommend this album. Very unique sound and a great vibe.

Sometime Around Midnight

The Airborne Toxic Event - New Music - More Music Videos

What did you say?

2009-04-01T21:17:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure why but for some reason certain words make me feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes it's the way the word sounds. Or when I hear the word my mind races in a million different directions... none of which are good. Here's a little sampling:
moist
piston
stroke
crotch
tingle

There's even a whole family of words - slacks, trousers, dungarees. All of them leave me feeling very confused... although, dungarees is one that frequently rolls off my tongue.

Not sure if anyone is really reading this blog... but if so, I'd like to hear what words make you feel awkward. There are some obvious ones that George Carlin kindly pointed out with his "Seven Dirty Words". I'm more interested in those every day words that can take on a life of their own. So if you can relate, feel free to leave these words in the comments to this post. If you're really feeling ambitious you can give an explanation.

ShamPow!

2009-03-30T20:46:00.016-04:00

Here's a story that really took me by surprise. World renowned pitchman Vince Shlomi, of ShamWow fame, was arrested for assaulting a prostitute. Apparently, Vince found out the hard way that Sasha Harris, the lovely lady of the night he picked up, doesn't like to be kissed. Soon after their game of tonsil hockey got under way Harris bit Shlomi's tongue and wouldn't let go. Vince had no other choice than to pry his most valuable asset free by punching Harris several times. * Note to Vince - it's probably not the greatest idea to be kissing the village bicycle on the mouth, for obvious reasons. * Harris is now considering pressing charges.

This has me wondering if I can press charges against Vince because I'm feeling like a victim of fraud. You see, I actually bought the ShamWow... only to find that it is really a glorified paper towel. I should have known to stay away from any product that has the word "sham" in it.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've been taken by one of these late night temptations. Dr. Kazu Watanabe had me believing the Sobakawa Pillow was the answer to my dreams. I thought I was buying a pillow stuffed with buckwheat hulls, not marbles. Now 18 years later I still have a stiff neck. But that didn't compare to the pain in the ass trying to return this potato sack for a full refund.

This brings me back to Vince. I'm really hoping the ShamWow can clean up his latest mess.

A win-win, or so it seemed...

2009-03-29T21:12:00.019-04:00

Not only do they make great cars but they also make great neighbors. I feel like this could be a storyline from the German "Days of our Lives".

Paid to Do It, But Fails to Make His Friend's Wife Pregnant After 72 Attempts
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.
It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.
So, Soupolos, after calming his wife's protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.
Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.
When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."
When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.
The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.
Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

My favorite part of this is when Mr. Maus tells his wife that "I don't like this anymore than you. I'm simply doing if for the money. Try and understand." This poor guy had to sleep with a former beauty queen and collected $2,500 for his efforts. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice.

G.A.D.D...

2009-03-26T22:23:00.010-04:00

Guy Against Dunkin Donuts
Back in November I gave up coffee, something I've been drinking every day for the past 16 years. I've tried to stop quite a few times, but so far this is the longest I've gone without it. I must say, it hasn't been easy. I miss it's cleansing properties... I miss crashing when the caffeine wears off... I miss those jitters when I drank too much... I miss that terrible death breath after the first cup of the morning... I could go on and on. I've actually had dreams about drinking it. I get these ghost smells where my nose thinks it smells a fresh pot brewing, even when I'm out shoveling snow. I still have two bags of Starbucks (an establishment I despise) mud in my refrigerator I can't bring myself to throw out. I sometimes hold the bags close to my chest and stroke them as I gently weep.

This has all made me realize that coffee is the most addictive substance on earth, even beating the notoriously addictive crack (which for the record I have never done). Dunkin Donuts is the new Pablo Escobar. They serve 2.7 million customers a day worldwide. Caffeine is the most widely used psychoactive substance in the world, and you'll never guess what the primary source is... the coffee bean.

Beware of the bean my friends... beware of the bean...

Voice of a Generation

2009-03-24T21:34:00.006-04:00

On the 18th anniversary of it's original release Pearl Jam has reissued one of the greatest alternative (which is really just rock~n~roll) albums of all time... Ten. I feel it's only fitting to pay tribute to this landmark album that helped define my generation. After all these years Pearl Jam still remain relevant and continue to shape rock music.

For me, this is the song that started it all, and to this day I still remember the first time I saw the video on MTV (yes, MTV once played actual videos)...

Pearl Jam - New Music - More Music Videos

No Pearl Jam post would be complete without a quote from singer Eddie Vedder. When asked "Well, what's it like to be a rock star?" Eddie had this to say...

"You know, rock stardom ... I have a hard time discussing that because I don't really accept it. It's not really that tangible. What's really bizarre is how it's used as a thing-you know, "He's the rock star of politics," "He's the rock star of quarterbacks"-like it's the greatest thing in the world. And it's not bad, but it's just different. I don't understand it. Cause I'm going, "Well-am I that?" I want to be the plumber of rock stars."

It's all in the nose...

2009-03-22T21:15:00.008-04:00

It's no secret man's best friend takes great pleasure in sniffing about the crotch and caboose regions. We've all witnessed one of these invasions... and some of us have even been victimized. Why does it always seem like Bosco will lock in on one particular person and terrorize them relentlessly?

Just what is the attraction though? After doing exhaustive researched (I googled "dogs sniffing butts") I think I've found the answer. According to Dogster.com, smelling the other dogs' private area tells the dog a lot about the dog he is meeting, such as their gender and their sexual status.

I would assume it's the same rationale (if dogs even have the ability to rationalize, which I highly doubt... am I now heading down a very strange path?!) when they partake in this type of exploration with people. So am I to assume that the person Bosco ends up "hounding" (I just embarrassed myself) the whole night is the person that will have him panting after hours?

But the most interesting thing I found from my google search was this gem...

The Toolbox - meet "Mystery"

2009-03-21T08:12:00.012-04:00

This is where we talk about people who are complete "tools". No one defines this better than the man who calls himself "Mystery".

This cat fashions himself a pickup artist (PUA for short) and somehow landed a show on VH1 teaching other losers how to pick up ladies.

Observe some lessons from the "Mystery Method" seminars...

The real "mystery" is how this tool gets any chicks! The only thing he should be picking up trash. This guy is a B.S.A... no explanation needed.

Make Me Angry

2009-03-18T23:42:00.014-04:00

So I found this website called Make Me Babies that lets you upload pictures of two people to see what their baby will look like. So I thought I'd do this with my cat Squeaky and dog Daisy. I was to name it Squaisy.

Umm... what the hell is this...

Do either of them have curly hair???

Killer Willard...

2009-03-18T22:21:00.006-04:00

Meet the toughest s.o.b. on the planet. Killer Willard kicks ass first, takes names later... if at all. I've watched this clip dozens of times and it just seems to get funnier each time.

Diggin and Drivin...

2009-03-17T19:48:00.011-04:00

So as I was driving home from work today enjoying the nice weather and some music, I happened to look over at the car next to me. What I found was a dude going to town on one of his nostrils. This guy was working the inured of his honker like an olympian going for the gold. My nose started to hurt watching this. But the thing that really got me was his buddy in the passengers seat yapping away like there was nothin doin.

Do people not realize glass is transparent? At least tint those windows if this is going to be a frequent activity. Or be a true friend and don't let you buddy pick and drive.

Stewart vs Cramer

2009-03-15T22:31:00.005-04:00

On a serious note... this is a rather long clip, but worth watching. The battle between John Stewart and Jim Cramer. You'd think that after having feuded for a week leading up to this interview Cramer would be a bit more prepared. Instead he gets his ass handed to him... justifiably. A lot of things led to the financial meltdown in this country. They discuss short selling in this interview and how the market can be manipulated. Even worse is the practice of naked short selling .

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Jock Strap... Or lack of one

2009-03-12T22:39:00.012-04:00

Meet former NFL running back Travis Henry. Poor Travis won't be playing this season because he's currently under house arrest for a a pending cocaine trafficking charge. One may ask why a man who signed a 5 year $25M contract that guaranteed him at least $12M back in 2007, was peddling coke. Well, when you have 9 children (ranging in ages from 3 to 11) from 9 different women and owe $170,000 annually in child support, I guess a second job is not a bad idea.

According to Travis, only one of his children was actually planned. The other eight sneaky ladies (and I use that term loosely) somehow managed to trick Travis, which I'm sure is no small feat.

“I did use protection at first,” Henry said. “Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!

“My counselor asks me, ‘How can you do the same thing over and over?’ ” Shockingly, Travis didn't have any answers to that one... are we surprised??

But through it all, Horny Henry has been able to find that silver lining...“Knock on wood, or something, I’m blessed not to have AIDS. That never crossed my mind.”... something tells me not many things do cross his mind.

ESPN is now reporting that Travis has recently become the father of two twin daughters, bringing the grand total to 11 kids with 10 different women.

Note to Travis... leave your jock strap on at ALL times.

Something for the fellas

2009-03-02T22:42:00.014-05:00

By now I think most people are familiar with Apple Bottom Jeans. These seem to be a favorite with the ladies who have a little extra juice in the caboose. While I applaud the attention to these ladies stuffin more in the muffin, it got me to thinking. Why not something for the fellas who may need a little extra room to roam?

I give you "Banana Bottoms". A dungaree for the man who's "larger than life"! The truth of the matter is not all men are created equal. I think there's an untapped market out there for a jean that caters to the gentlemen who pack a bit more punch. I'm talking about the clydesdales that walk among us.

When this man speaks...

2009-02-25T21:22:00.012-05:00

I Believe!!

He brings hope and optimism, but never ignores reality. It's been a very long time since the leader of this country was someone who inspires and moves you. Watching his speech the other night this is exactly what he did for me.

But more importantly, is it me or does Joe Biden share a striking resemblance to a one Bob Barker? I smell a showcase showdown.

My favorite Joe moment. Open mouth... insert foot...

The Jukebox

2009-02-22T23:43:00.007-05:00

Why do i feel like this one has a double meaning?
Top notch wiggle to make the squirrel nuts jiggle!

Bonafide Lovin by Chromeo

You can never have enough...

2009-02-21T16:50:00.004-05:00

COWBELL!
This clip is pure magic.

HEE HAW, HEE HAW...

2009-02-19T15:17:00.001-05:00

No trip to the barnyard would be complete without a donkey. I don't know what it is about these beasts, but I like them.

From the looks of those teeth this fella appears to be English. The good news is that those chompers are not hurting his status with the ladies!

He's clearly got a little stallion in him... and now so does she!!

Who is this masked man???

2009-02-14T19:27:00.001-05:00

What happened to Joaquin Phoenix?

I'm waiting for him to pull the beard, glasses and hair off to find it's really Howie Mandel... This is Howie do it! While we're on the topic, what person above the age of 5 can't figure out it's Howie in these get ups? The real joke is on Howie if he thinks this show will last.

The Jock Strap...

2009-02-07T13:11:00.001-05:00

This is where we highlight athletes who are a little less jock and a lot more strap. Meet tennis pro "ain't afraid of ya" Vince Spadea. If you've never heard of Vince you're not alone. That's because he hasn't done a notable thing on the tennis court. Off the court, however, is another story...

If that wasn't enough...

And how bout we close it out with a post-match analysis...

This strap is causing a serious rash...

A Lasting Legacy...

2009-01-31T20:10:00.000-05:00

energy crisis... financial crisis... mortgage crisis... global recession... weapons of mass destruction... conflict in the Middle East...

To think, the biggest stain the previous guy left was on a dress.

From the Vault: Classic Sports Interviews

2008-10-07T21:46:00.000-04:00

Sometimes a man is pushed too hard...

and sometimes a man is just pushing too hard...

Nice touch by Joe when he takes a not-so-subtle look at Suzy's caboozy.

The Jukebox

2008-10-07T21:42:00.000-04:00

now I am not a fan of the show… but I am a fan of tasty treats. That’s what he’s singing about, right? Desserts???

Lucky Me

2008-09-27T23:22:00.001-04:00

every morning between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m. i'm awaken to the heavy breathing and moaning of a gourgeous blond... and she has one thing on her mind. nibbling. that's right, this hot honey wants to nibble and slobber on some delicious bits. But not my bits.... Kibbles 'n Bits....